How to Stop “Practicing Self-Care” and Become a Self-Loving Person
The Liberating Philosophy That Turns Obligation Into Flow
Photo by Solen Feyissa on Unsplash
My wife Sophia and I sat with our calendars during our end-of-year introspection. Among our ambitious plans for growth and flow, we tried to pencil in “monthly massages.” As I stared at the blocks of time dedicated to projects I loved, a frustrating thought arose: What here is worth giving up for an hour of physical relaxation?
Why does doing something ‘good for me,’ that I even like, feel like a sacrifice? Is there a way where self-care doesn’t feel like trading one valuable thing for another?
There must be.
The Trap of Self-Care as Another To-Do
When reading Kristina Mänd-Lakhiani’s Becoming Flawesome, one paragraph revealed the answer. (I love it how books I’m reading, more often than not, magically solve my life’s issues. Even, or especially, when the book’s topic or title doesn’t seem to have much to do with my problems… Don’t you?).
She draws a crucial, liberating distinction:
“Self-care relies on rituals, such as exercise, meditation, or taking a walk. While self-love is a constant attitude… Self-care is about taking time for yourself… self-love doesn’t take any time, but it permeates your life every single moment.” — Kristina Mänd-Lakhiani
Suddenly, my calendar conflict made sense. I was trying to schedule a ritual (self-care) into a life whose underlying attitude (self-love) hadn’t been established. It was like trying to grow an apple tree in the desert by periodically dumping water on it. The ritual, without the right environment, becomes a drain.
This is why we burn out on our own routines. We use willpower to force the actions, but as Kristina notes:
“Willpower is a short-term strategy, so when you want consistent, sustainable change, you have to find a better strategy, something with less resistance.”
When we routinely rely on willpower to maintain self-care, it’s a clear sign those acts are misaligned with our core self. Misalignment causes friction, and friction leads directly to frustration and fatigue. The “better strategy” is to stop forcing the actions and start shifting the source.
The Identity-First Blueprint: From Doing to Being
The traditional self-improvement model is exhausting:
Willpower -> Forced Action -> Hoped-for Habit -> Aspirational Identity.
It’s an uphill battle against your own psyche.
The liberating model flips the script:
Identity -> Natural Habits -> Effortless Action -> Sustainable Flow.
Instead of doing self-care to become self-loving, you start being self-loving, and let the caring actions flow from that place.
But let’s be real. If you’re burnt out from hustling and are used to beating yourself up for not doing enough, “be a self-loving person” can feel like a monumental, even impossible, leap. This is where Kristina offers a stroke of genius: you don’t have to start with love. Start with kindness.
“When you cannot love yourself, be kind to yourself. It will do the job for now, and with time, it will teach you true, pure, unconditional self-love, the kind that doesn’t need distortions to feel good.”
Kindness is always possible, as the Dalai Lama XIV (whom Kristina references) says. With practice, being kind to ourselves becomes our new default.
The “Kindness Pause”: Your Micro-Identity Builder
This shift happens in tiny, decisive moments. I call it the “Kindness Pause.”
Here’s a raw example from this week: I missed my gym class as I wrote this because I’d strained my hip. My hustler’s mind immediately piped up: “You’re wasting your money. Letting a little pain stop you?”
Instead of following that script, I took a conscious breath. I observed my belly expanding and deflating, relaxed my forehead, and put a gentle smile on my face. Then, I spoke to myself as I would to a cherished friend:
“I am allowed to rest.”
“I don’t need to know what this break is good for.”
“Thank you, body, for signaling me to slow down.”
Breathe -> Observe -> Relax -> Reframe with Kindness.
This 10-second pause is the atomic unit of building a self-loving identity. It is the direct application of choosing a new truth in the moment.
How Your New Story Becomes Your Reality
Do this consistently. The cumulative effect is what all wisdom traditions promise: we become what we practice.
“For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he.” — Proverbs 23:7
The Buddha taught that all we are is the result of what we have thought.
Kristina phrases this timeless truth simply:
“This is the curious thing about the world. There is no absolute truth. Whatever you believe in is true for you.”
When you believe, through repeated kind action, that you are a person worthy of kindness, that identity solidifies. Decisions change. Scheduling that massage is no longer a logistical trade-off; it’s a natural expression of who you are — someone who listens to and cares for their body. The friction vanishes.
The Ultimate Gift: From Self-Love to Flawesome Impact
This journey isn’t self-indulgence. Practicing self-love establishes a healthy, honest relationship with yourself. Kristina describes authenticity as fully embracing yourself, with all your flaws and unique experiences.
When we connect with ourselves in this way, we can finally shine our light — not a harsh, performative glare, but a steady, authentic glow. This benefits not just our own lives but also allows us to connect with and truly benefit others. It’s the inner abundance that creates outer abundance in health, purpose, and connection.
As Kristina puts it:
“What makes you valuable is your unique mix of experiences, expertise, failings, and mistakes. So are you ready to embrace yourself the way you are? Because I swear, it will be the best gift you could ever give to the world.”
This identity shift is the heart of becoming flawesome. It’s the process of dropping the exhausting performance of perfection to build a life of authentic peace and impact.
If you’re ready to do the deep, kind, and truly transformative work of building your life from the identity outwards, her book Becoming Flawesome is the most compassionate guide you will find.
What’s one small, kind choice you can make for yourself today? Share it in the comments — let’s build a kinder version of ourselves together.
How to Go Deeper
If the idea of trading willpower for identity, and obligation for flow, resonates with you, the journey goes much deeper. I invite you to up your transformative experience by reading the book Becoming Flawesome.
Becoming Flawesome is the manual for this identity shift. It is not a traditional self-help book promising a linear, step-by-step transformation. Instead, it acts as a permission slip for experimentation and, in that spirit, stocks you with options that you can test out for yourself.
The core transformation it facilitates is moving from a state of performing perfection to one of embracing authentic wholeness.
This transformation
Liberates mental and emotional energy
Creates resilience through self-acceptance
Enables genuine connection
Unlocks sustainable motivation and flow
In essence, moving from chasing perfection to digging for authenticity matters because it trades a hollow victory for a rich life.
For the reader, this transformation isn’t about becoming someone new. It’s about coming home to who they’ve always been and building a life that honors that person.
Ready to explore? You can borrow Becoming Flawesome from your local library or buy it from your favorite bookstore. If you choose to buy it online, using our affiliate link here to purchase Becoming Flawesome is a wonderful way to support our work at no extra cost to you. We only recommend books that have been pivotal in our own journey.