How to Stop Negative Thoughts Without Fighting Yourself

A tense moment with my wife led to a 5-step mental reset that works for anxiety, creative blocks, and self-doubt.

Photo by Eilis Garvey on Unsplash

First published on Medium

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That familiar, cold dread of “I did something wrong” washed over me. I had upset Sophia.

It wasn’t just what I said but how I said it. It was my tone — too sharp, too full of unseen pressure. The moment the words left my mouth, I felt the atmosphere between us ice up. I saw it in her eyes: a flicker of hurt, a closing off.

If you’ve ever felt that twist in your gut after a misspoken word, or the heavy silence that follows, you know the script. The mind races into battle. Defensiveness rises like a shield: “I didn’t mean to say it like that.” Or, shame takes the wheel: “I’m a terrible husband.” We believe we have to fight or suppress the negative feeling to make things right. It’s exhausting, and it never works.

In that tense silence, a simple, shared memory surfaced. We’d recently seen a movie where a couple, mid-argument, stopped and counted down together: 3… 2… 1… and then took a deep, synchronized breath.

“Let’s breathe together,” I said to Sophia, my voice softer now.

We held hands. We counted down. And we breathed. Three times.

That was Step One. We had just initiated what we now call The G.R.E.A.T. Reset — a 5-step method to regain power when your mind turns against you. It’s the framework Sophia and I teach in our abundance mindset classes, and in that raw, personal moment, it became the lifeline for our relationship.

Here’s what happened, step by step, and how you can use it for anything from marital spats to creative resistance.

G — Ground & Get Perspective.
We held hands. We took the breaths. The countdown (a trick that echoes Mel Robbins’ 5-Second Rule — it implies a significant change about to happen) forced a pause. In that pause, I named the thought without becoming it: “I notice I’m having the thought that I ruined the evening,” while Sophia located the hurt in her stomach. Just that — a noticing. This is non-judgmental awareness. It creates a sacred space between you and the mental noise. The emotion is allowed to exist. And here’s the counter-intuitive magic: By allowing it space, it begins to lose its power of our psyche.

R — Release & Reframe.
I felt the shame sitting in my chest. I breathed into that tight space. Instead of arguing with the feeling, I thanked it. “Thank you, mind, for bringing up this old conditioning so I can release it.” Sophia used forgiveness instead of gratitude and placed the task to forgive me and her past self for creating these thoughts and feeling into the hands of a higher power. Gratitude and forgiveness disarm the inner critic. You’re not fighting the hurt; you’re reframing it as a blessing in disguise and opportunity to heal so you can easily let it go.

Whether you use gratitude as a reframe or forgiveness as a release, the goal is the same: to disarm the critic’s power by meeting it with compassion, not combat.

E — Embody Your Empowered Self.
This is remembering the core identity shift. We asked ourselves: “Who would we be right now without this thought of being ‘the partner who messed up’ or ‘the hurt victim’? Who are we aspiring to be?” The answer was clear: Harmonious and Compassionate Partners who feel joyful and peaceful, who move through life with ease and lightness. We consciously stepped into that identity. Our posture changed, our hands still connected. We were no longer a problem to be solved; we were a team facing a moment of friction.

A — Activate and Anchor the Antidote Feeling.
The antidote to shame and hurt is connection. We remembered our state of feeling joyful, peaceful, easeful, and light. We actively generated these feelings. We noticed the release. We felt relief. A small, unnoticeable smile began to form. It wasn’t forced; it was the natural expression of the identity we had just chosen.

T — Turn & Take New Action.
The emotional loop was broken. Now, we turned inward. We gently placed our attention on the lingering tightness in our bodies — my chest, her stomach — and enveloped those spaces with the new feeling of peace and connection. Then, we took action to allow a change in physiology to cement the shift in our mental state: Sophia grabbed a tissue, I stretched, then we hugged. The conversation that followed came from a place of “us,” not “me vs. you.”

This reset isn’t just for relationships. It’s for any moment your mind rebels.

Take the classic “I’m too tired for the gym” thought.

• G: “I notice I’m having the thought that I’m too tired.” (Pause, one breath).

• R: “Thanks, mind, for looking out for my energy. I’ve got this.” (Release the grip that tiredness has over your mind and body).

• E: “Who would I be without this thought? The athlete who feels energized and proud after a workout.” (Step into that person’s posture).

• A: Generate a shot of determination and excitement to get to move your athlete body. Feel it. Smile.

• T: Turn to the tiredness and envelope it with warmth and light; then put on your gym clothes and shoes. Just the first small action that leads to many other healthy actions that follow.

The thought isn’t gone. It isn’t suppressed either. It’s just background noise that has come and will leave in due time. You are in the driver’s seat because you are no longer the tired person — you are the athlete who shows up.

Most mindset shift techniques fail because they start with a battle. “Stop thinking that!” The G.R.E.A.T. Reset succeeds because it starts with compassionate witnessing. It is a practical, immediate application of the teachings we love — from the Buddha’s mindfulness practices to Neville Goddard’s assumption (in The Power of Awareness) to James Clear’s Atomic Habits. You assume the feeling of the wish fulfilled (Embody & Activate) by first making peace with where you are (Ground & Release), then let the wholesome habits of the person you strive to be take over (Turn & Take Action).

The Unspoken Belief We All Hold:

We believe our negative thoughts are orders we must obey, magma we must keep from erupting, or enemies we must destroy. The gentler truth is that they are just weather patterns in the mind. You don’t fight the storm. You learn to ground yourself within it, and let it pass.

Your Practical Takeaway: The next time a negative thought arises — be it doubt before a client call, resistance to a creative project, or frustration in a relationship — don’t fight it. Pause. Say “Time for a G.R.E.A.T. Reset.” Go through the steps. It takes 60 seconds tops. You are not managing a thought; you are consciously choosing who to be.

This is the essence of identity shifting. You move from being plagued by a thought to being the person who transcends it through awareness and choice.

Changing your identity in a vacuum is hard. The mind loves its old, familiar stories. That’s why we created Shift Your Identity (SYI), our free Skool community.

It’s a space of like-minded people on the path of manifestation, assumption, and conscious creation. Here, you find more than inspiration — you find accountability. You can share your reset wins, get support on your stuck points, and practice these shifts in a supportive tribe. The journey from knowing to being is always lighter together.

If this resonated with you — if you’re tired of battling your mind and ready to start compassionately redirecting it — you’re who we built this community for.

→ Join our free Shift Your Identity community here for accountability with others to make the G.R.E.A.T. Reset a habit.

Breathe. Reset. Step into who you choose to be. We are there, doing it alongside you.

With peace and belief,
Sophia & Cristof

Your Brain Is Angry. It’s Time to Feed It a Cookie.

How a bizarre lesson from Rainn Wilson and Gandhi is saving my creative soul.

Photo by Vyshnavi Bisani on Unsplash

You know the feeling.

You’re cruising along, your mind buzzing with a new article idea or a solution to a client’s problem. You’re happy. The creative flow is humming.

Then, it happens. Someone cuts you off in traffic, their middle finger a stark punctuation to their anger. Or, an email pings in — a terse, unkind message from a collaborator or client.

In a flash, the flow is gone. Replaced by a hot, sharp anger.

This was my (Cristof) default state. My internal monologue would kick in, a cocktail of self-righteous judgment and cynical ridicule: “I’m such a good driver. I went at the speed limit. What a jerk. And for what? We’re both just going to end up at the same red light anyway.”

It felt justified. It felt normal. But I never stopped to calculate the real cost.

That anger wasn’t just a passing emotion. It was a toxin. It would seep into my body, making my knees tense, my shoulders tight, and my stomach churn. With a sick body and a mind buzzing with negativity, I couldn’t create. I couldn’t write. I’d try to sit down at my desk, but the words wouldn’t come. If I had to produce work, it was subpar, forced, and misaligned. The entire cycle would then spiral into frustration and self-doubt.

It was costing me my peace, my productivity, and my power.

The turning point came from an unexpected place: Rainn Wilson’s book, Soul Boom (affiliate link). In it, he writes:

“We all know someone who is rude, selfish, unkind, toxic. We do our best to avoid people like this. But what if we tried instead to consciously find one good quality about that person? For instance, what if they are a total jerk in every way but have great hygiene and always smell like freshly baked chocolate chip cookies? When I’m able to consciously focus on the good quality of a person, not only is my day better but my relationship with that person improves. And eventually, other good qualities are revealed to me that I might not have taken the time to see previously.

In other words, focus on the cookies. and don’t focus on the negative.”

He then quotes Gandhi, one of the grand masters of humility:

“I look only to the good qualities of men. Not being faultless myself, I won’t presume to probe into the faults of others.”

“Focus on the cookies.” The phrase stopped me. It was so simple, so visual, so… absurd. But it pointed to a profound truth I had been missing.

For all my life, I thought the solution was to simply stop being angry. To suppress it. To let it go. But you can’t reliably power down a reaction with willpower alone. The real shift, I discovered, isn’t about managing your reactions.

It’s about shifting your identity.

The Person Who Finds the Cookies

I realized that “focusing on the cookies” wasn’t a behavior hack. It was an identity. I had to stop trying to be less angry and start becoming the kind of person who, by their very nature, doesn’t get derailed by external circumstances.

I asked myself: Who would I have to become for a rude driver or a difficult email to not be an issue at all?

The answer painted a clear picture. This version of me is:

1. Self-Reflecting: They look inward before casting outward judgment.

2. Unaffected by Circumstances: They don’t take their emotional cues from other people’s bad behavior.

3. Compassionate: They operate from a default assumption of goodness, or at the very least, a default assumption that everyone is fighting a hard battle.

This is the core of manifestation and identity shifting. You don’t wait until you feel like that person to act. You act as if you are that person, and the feelings follow.

When the world gets loud, this identity whispers:

“I am not taking my cues from current circumstances. These circumstances are only the result of my past mind states. My current mind state produces my future circumstances. And I’m not letting anybody decide over my mind states. Every thought counts. Every thought matters.”

Your 30-Second Identity Shift Drill

This isn’t just philosophy. It’s a practical drill you can use the very next time you’re triggered. It takes less than 30 seconds and has two simple steps.

The moment you feel that hot surge of judgmental anger, pause. Take one breath, and repeat this twofold mantra to yourself:

1. Step One: Detach. Say: “I do not take cues from my circumstances.”
   This is the emergency brake. It stops the mental train from hurtling down the familiar track of rage and ridicule. It reclaims your sovereignty.

2. Step Two: Shift. Ask: “Who do I have to become for whom this wouldn’t be an issue at all?”
   This is the rocket fuel. It instantly moves you from a state of reaction to a state of creation. You are no longer a victim of the event; you are the conscious architect of your response. You are putting on the cloak of your highest self.

Then, and only then, look for the cookie. Maybe it’s the fact their car is impeccably clean. (And only decent people keep their cars clean, right?) Maybe it’s Sophia’s wonderful method of assuming their loved one is giving birth and they need to rush to the hospital. (Since we’re the ones dictating our mental narrative, we might as well make it a good one.)

The “cookie” is the proof that your identity shift is working.

The Ripple Effect on Your Creative Life

When you become the person who finds the cookies, you aren’t just being nice. You are engaging in the most strategic act of self-preservation a creator, solopreneur, freelancer, or really anyone can do.

You are protecting your most valuable asset: your aligned, creative energy. You are ensuring that a single moment of external chaos doesn’t derail your entire day’s work. You are, quite literally, building the future you want by consciously choosing the mind state that will create it.

Every thought counts. Every thought matters. So choose to find the cookie. Your peace, your power, and your next breakthrough depend on it.

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